Thursday, May 30, 2013

Ok, Universe, throw some prosperity at me!

It's been a rough week. 

I'm still unemployed.  And I'm scared.  What if I'm not employable?  How the hell am I going to support my kid without a job?  It's not like I'm not applying, I am, all over the damn place.

Except I absolutely refuse to let this happen to me again.  I won't be unemployed and newly dumped and terrified about how I'm going to support my kid.  Not again, not for a third time.

And three day weekends when you're having panic attacks aren't as much fun as they'd seem.

I also had an RP date for Monday that fell through, but that was due to Real Life which comes first.  Luckily, I went over to a friend's house anyway, so I didn't miss out on the fun time for the one that didn't happen.

Today, in a short amount of time, I get to go back to the doctor to look into birth control again.  It's been a nice ten years not worrying about it, but I'm goddamned fertile and I don't plan to be celibate until menopause, nor do I want another baby.  (I'm already at the point where babies are cute and awesome and I like giving them BACK.)

I'm scared enough that I splurged and bought a lottery ticket, yesterday.  But I strongly suspect the only way out of this hole is clawing my way out of it.  But that's ok, aside from the terror of not having a job.  I'm not afraid of doing things under my own agency, it's the not being able to that scares me.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Fantasy and privacy

And yet another post. Two in two days, this might become a real blog!

What is difficult and what I have to remember is to keep a handle on my fantasies.  I've been pretty much living on them for a long time, now, and while I was fantasizing about game stuff, that was fine.  (Online role-playing games, called MUSHes.  Multi-User Shared Hallucinations.)

But what I can't allow myself to do is apply those fantasies to people.  I started, and had to pull myself up short yesterday and frankly, I don't need the ow of pulling myself up short.  I keep trying to be realistic and then having people tell me, "Well, don't unnecessarily close doors."  Well, no, but having those doors wide open is sort of like an invitation for me to let the wind blow all the goddamned common sense out of my head.  So I'll just leave my doors alone, when they're supposed to open, they will.

I don't think this was a door that was supposed to open, though, and I'm closing it again.  If I can just keep my damn foot out of it, I might be ok.  Maybe.

Meanwhile, it's a three-day weekend, which, for me, is going to mean three days of no privacy unless I go lie down on the couch with headphones and hiding under the blankets.  Which is a sort of privacy but I can't do it for the full three days.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Time for another blog post. 

I'm not writing this on LJ because people follow my LJ and that would make sense.  Instead, I write it on the blog that no one knows that I have, and therefore, if I'm whining, who'll notice?

A lot's happened in the last few years.  The biggest two are these: I got a kick in the ass about my health and my long-term relationship broke up after ten years.  I'm viewing both of these things as necessary kicks in the ass.  You see, I'd gotten comfortable in my life, and stuck in a rut, and frankly, rather depressed.  This is Change.  Not just change, but Capital-C Change.  But let's review.

First of all, I'm having two fun conditions.  The first is some inability of my body to process its own natural oils.  The symptoms of this are that a) my eyebrows frequently look like I have dandruff and b) while I'm asleep, the oils in my eyelids start to coagulate and I wake up feeling like someone's shoving ground glass into my eyeballs.  The second is this: a little over six weeks ago, I went to the doctor and found out that my blood sugar levels were just over the edge into diabetes.

The solutions are easy.  For the first condition, I take fish oil pills.  (I take a particular brand so that it doesn't feel like I'm burping lemon-baby-seal.) For the second, diet and exercise, baby.  I changed my diet around completely, and I'm exercising.  Both are much needed changes, but they seem to be working.  So far.  (On the plus side, I also had them do the tests for HIV and a few other STDs, just to relieve my mind of all cares on that score.  My mind is, in fact, relieved.)

So, now, I'm in the unenviable state of still living where I was, with the ex, my son, and the roommate.  Except now, I'm sleeping on the couch, (which is fine during the week and leaves something to be desired on weekends, when people seem to want to stay awake much later than I do.)  I'm job-searching rather frantically, and wanting one three months ago so that I can be out, already.

The breakup itself has been perfectly civil.  Really, in a lot of respects, it's not much different than it's been for the last few years, except that I feel broke, now, and there's no sex.  I know he's already talking to some other woman, and one would think I'd be jealous over that.  Instead, I'm finding a curious urge to cheer him on.  Like, if he can't be happy with me, and he wasn't, and I wasn't particularly happy by the end, either, when I let myself think about it, which wasn't often, then he should find whoever he should be with soonest.  We're split up, but he's still a good person, I still love him, even if we're through and don't want to be with each other anymore.  I want him to be happy.  He deserves it.  So do I.

I'm in flirtation-mode, myself, which means that I have at least four offers of sex from people who are far, far, far too far away to do anything about it.  (In some cases, this is a relief, as I do try not to sleep with married men, one is a dear, dear friend, and the fourth...well, the fourth is someone I could easily get very serious about and that worries me slightly.  Isn't it too soon to even think that way?  Luckily, he's in another state, and I'm here, and he isn't moving here and I'm not moving there.  Or unluckily.  I have yet to decide which.)  And I have some very, very good friends here, as well as family.

Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have minutes of SUCH resentment that it bothers me.  They pass, though.  (Truth to tell, they pass a hell of a lot quicker than the moments of panic about being unemployed and needing to move out.  Those stay for a long, long time, once they lodge.) 

But thanks to my sister, my son, and a good friend or five, I'm doing my best to look at this as an opportunity to change.  I'm not a victim in this, I'm half the reason for the breakup.  My lack of a job is on me, as is my efforts to find one.  I needed change in my life and I got it, big time.  This isn't a bad thing.  This is an opportunity for growth and maturity and meeting adversity head-on, and if I still cry and have panic attacks, well, at least I'm not letting them stop me. 

Everything is going to be fine.  But I can't move out soon enough for me.  For either of us.