Friday, May 24, 2013

Time for another blog post. 

I'm not writing this on LJ because people follow my LJ and that would make sense.  Instead, I write it on the blog that no one knows that I have, and therefore, if I'm whining, who'll notice?

A lot's happened in the last few years.  The biggest two are these: I got a kick in the ass about my health and my long-term relationship broke up after ten years.  I'm viewing both of these things as necessary kicks in the ass.  You see, I'd gotten comfortable in my life, and stuck in a rut, and frankly, rather depressed.  This is Change.  Not just change, but Capital-C Change.  But let's review.

First of all, I'm having two fun conditions.  The first is some inability of my body to process its own natural oils.  The symptoms of this are that a) my eyebrows frequently look like I have dandruff and b) while I'm asleep, the oils in my eyelids start to coagulate and I wake up feeling like someone's shoving ground glass into my eyeballs.  The second is this: a little over six weeks ago, I went to the doctor and found out that my blood sugar levels were just over the edge into diabetes.

The solutions are easy.  For the first condition, I take fish oil pills.  (I take a particular brand so that it doesn't feel like I'm burping lemon-baby-seal.) For the second, diet and exercise, baby.  I changed my diet around completely, and I'm exercising.  Both are much needed changes, but they seem to be working.  So far.  (On the plus side, I also had them do the tests for HIV and a few other STDs, just to relieve my mind of all cares on that score.  My mind is, in fact, relieved.)

So, now, I'm in the unenviable state of still living where I was, with the ex, my son, and the roommate.  Except now, I'm sleeping on the couch, (which is fine during the week and leaves something to be desired on weekends, when people seem to want to stay awake much later than I do.)  I'm job-searching rather frantically, and wanting one three months ago so that I can be out, already.

The breakup itself has been perfectly civil.  Really, in a lot of respects, it's not much different than it's been for the last few years, except that I feel broke, now, and there's no sex.  I know he's already talking to some other woman, and one would think I'd be jealous over that.  Instead, I'm finding a curious urge to cheer him on.  Like, if he can't be happy with me, and he wasn't, and I wasn't particularly happy by the end, either, when I let myself think about it, which wasn't often, then he should find whoever he should be with soonest.  We're split up, but he's still a good person, I still love him, even if we're through and don't want to be with each other anymore.  I want him to be happy.  He deserves it.  So do I.

I'm in flirtation-mode, myself, which means that I have at least four offers of sex from people who are far, far, far too far away to do anything about it.  (In some cases, this is a relief, as I do try not to sleep with married men, one is a dear, dear friend, and the fourth...well, the fourth is someone I could easily get very serious about and that worries me slightly.  Isn't it too soon to even think that way?  Luckily, he's in another state, and I'm here, and he isn't moving here and I'm not moving there.  Or unluckily.  I have yet to decide which.)  And I have some very, very good friends here, as well as family.

Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have minutes of SUCH resentment that it bothers me.  They pass, though.  (Truth to tell, they pass a hell of a lot quicker than the moments of panic about being unemployed and needing to move out.  Those stay for a long, long time, once they lodge.) 

But thanks to my sister, my son, and a good friend or five, I'm doing my best to look at this as an opportunity to change.  I'm not a victim in this, I'm half the reason for the breakup.  My lack of a job is on me, as is my efforts to find one.  I needed change in my life and I got it, big time.  This isn't a bad thing.  This is an opportunity for growth and maturity and meeting adversity head-on, and if I still cry and have panic attacks, well, at least I'm not letting them stop me. 

Everything is going to be fine.  But I can't move out soon enough for me.  For either of us.

No comments:

Post a Comment